Author Archives: NekoHawaii1314

About NekoHawaii1314

#Artists, #Designer, #Mother, #Lover, #Sister, #Daughter, #Friend... I Love #Reading, #Cooking, #Cleaning, #Designing, #Tea, #DoctorWho #Instagram, #Twitter, and #Music... I Like to Learn to #Sewing, #NewLanguage, #Yoga, #Meditation, and #MakeWine...

My Writing Space

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My Writing Space

This what my writing space looks like on my #MondaysSelientRetreat… I spend all day writing so I can be able to post something right here… This is only my writing space right now while I’m staying with my mom, but soon I will update with my writing space in my own place…
Neko Hawaii

My Mondays Silent Retreat Drink Station

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My Mondays Silent Retreat Drink Station

This is my set up every morning before I start my writing #MondaysSilentRetreat with my son Ryder… I enjoy my time with him!!! I love that he let’s his dad and I work on the computer some days… I love my son!!! To make it I have to have a cup for Water, Coffee in the morning, Black Tea in the afternoon and one Herbal Tea at night with my meditation and of course Ryder bottle for when he is hungry… I can really dig this work-stay-home-mom thing…

Neko Hawaii

Fear: Rejection

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http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/creative-sparkler-what-if

Open to What If JRS

I’m going to spend an hour and half each day writing to I can start getting back into the habit of writing again and so I can post blogs a lot more… I’ve been shying away from writing my blog for two reason… One is because I don’t make to time to do what I love and get distracted by everything that is on the web… Yes the whole internet thing doesn’t let be focus, I look for anything to keep me from what I need to do and that is write… Second is the Fear of Rejection… So I’m going to spend some time talking about my fears so I can overcome them… With the the image above I decide that today was the time to do what I fear the most… What if I didn’t have that fear anymore? What if I can being myself? What if I can enjoy what makes me happy again? So that is why I’m sitting here writing this… I want to write and not think twice on what I’m writing about and how others may think about how I feel… I have lived in the shadows of other people because I was afraid of what they might think of me if I wasn’t on-board with their ideas…  I love who I am and really I need to love me because I have to live with me for  the rest of my life… People can share life with me but I’m the one who knows me inside out…  So back to my fear…

I have sat at a table and not said anything because I have always been told not too think like that and well I want to think like that and I’m fine with the way I think… Everyone wants to be happy so I speak of what makes me happy… Now I’m going to act on it… I have kind of started, every time someone has started speaking over me I just say excuse me may I finish… I need to start standing up for myself when it comes to that… I’ve spent most of the time writing to myself privately because no one wanted to hear my voice and ta dah I’m speaking now… I’m not going to let people shh me any longer like when I’m mad I say things that I wish I’ve said in the moment and I regret it later and try to bring it up again so I can say my peace, but that makes matters worse… I know now when and what to say at the right time… Words and time go hand and hand, you just can’t say things that don’t relate, everything need to happen in a timely fashion… I been focusing on what means the most to me and cutting out the bullshit… Like right now I’m listening to this Music 2 Work 2 I had found on YouTube to keep me from getting off subject while my son is in his swing trying to fight his sleep… I’m going to practice to get rid of the fear of rejection and I know that will make me a stronger person to know I can get over my humps if I just try… Don’t let my fears own my life and free myself from other people opinion that harm me and open my mind up to the possibility of life itself…

Neko Hawaii

Hopelessness

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The first time in my life I have a challenge I don’t know how to deal with it… I’ve never really done anything for myself… Everything has be done for someone else in my life… I finish High school for my mom and after went to community college while looking for a full time job… I didn’t know what to go to school for, but I went anyways… At this moment in my life everything is for my mom not me… Now I’m looking at my son and asking myself I need to something for him… While that is not my man’s idea… He told me to be selfish and do what I want to do, but I think to much about why I can’t do it than how I can… So I need to cry out all my tears and be selfish a little… The last time I tried to be selfish I got in trouble for it, which is funny b/c it is the same person that told me “I’ve never seen you by yourself since you started dating… Which left me confused about myself for a very long time… What she wanted was for me to help her and only her… I guess my life starts now or should I say after the doctor says I can workout… And yes this time I will workout… I’m so lazy now and unhappy about my life… I always try to find someone with an interest life so I could feel what that felt like instead of living my own… I feel so trap I don’t know how to live my own life… I’m so boring b/c I always want to play it safe… I always feel uncomfortable with stepping out of my comfort zone… I really afraid of speaking my mind and expressing myself to those who matter most to me… My health isn’t the best at this moment, I just had my baby and I feel depressed…. What weird it is how to be a person and what it take to live a life of your choosing than postpartum… I love being a mom… It’s a hard job!!! But I don’t want to make coffee for the rest of my life to make ends meet… I’m on this road alone no partner to help with tough stuff… I’ve always believed in fairytale, but I’m not feeling it anymore… Pain is life… If it doesn’t hurt your not alive…

My Son, Mr. Kai Ryder is born!!!

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My son was born on the 22nd at a healthy 5lbs and 14oz and 18in long… Tomorrow he will be a week old and I have enjoyed it all… My son looks so much like his dad… He already has the ladies coming after him… I’m learning to balance out everything and get him on some kind of schedule… To tell you the truth I’m more on his schedule… I go back to work in six weeks and I hope my boss will work with me to adapt to my new schedule… I know she will, she the best… Tomorrow I’m suppose to go to the Cloth Diaper Store in Plano so I can at least get me 2 diaper covers to start with and some snappi with the goddaddy… Also this store has awesome stuff and programs for both me and Kai… I fell in love with it online, I hope to fall in love in person…

43 days left

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Well it has been a while since I’ve posted something… Today I have 30 days until my Leave starts… I’m kind of freaking out now since I’ve so close… I know a lot of people say I’m crazy for the way I want to have and raise my child, but I feel great in the way I want my child… And I’m tired of people tell me to wait for the baby to get here to know how it feels to be a parent… No duh I’ve been waiting nearly 10 months… I’m trying to get the basic and the important stuff out of the way so I can pursuit my goal I still haven’t figure out what I want to do… I know what I want to do takes some time and effort, but for Tamir and I to start our own businesses we have to breastfeed and use cloth diapers… We can send so much money to help us get our businesses off  the ground and make a better future for our child(ren)… And I don’t want any drugs in my system that might harm my child… Even after reading some stuff about what they have been doing for years now I feel safer with a natural birth like women have been doing before they starting using drugs…